Writer: Bert Villena
In the vast world of consumption, there is a wide variety of foods that exist. With intensive research and close analysis, I have classified these foods into three categories: foods that don’t want to be eaten, foods that do, and foods that don’t care.
The most intelligent of the groups are the foods that don’t want to be eaten, also known as healthy foods. This group has gone to extreme lengths in making everything about themselves unappealing. For example, the onion purposely takes on the scent of decomposed armpit sweat to force the buyer to cry in dissatisfaction. The onion’s brother, garlic, has also mastered this defense mechanism with similar techniques. Day in and day out, one can find broccoli laboring diligently to enhance its taste of wet tree branches. An individual can assume that broccoli evolved into the shape of a miniature tree because trees are everything but appetizing. Likewise, rice grains hold a strong resentment towards humanity due to their popularity. In certain parts of the world, like China, the grains have simply given up; however, in America, they antagonize us. These grains stick together in clumps, wait to get picked up by chopsticks, then dismantle themselves seconds before entering the mouth of the consumer. Nutritional therapists are bewildered by the success rice grains to have in aggravating mankind. Ranging from beets to brussel sprouts, and tofu to mushrooms, this evil society of health foods all have different strategies for resistance to humanity.
Unlike the healthy foods, the junk foods fall into the category of foods that want to be eaten. Over the past century this group has basked in the glory of universal obsession; an obsession in which healthy foods completely support. If anyone thinks that this is not a coincidence, they are sadly mistaken. The healthy clan has been behind the scenes involved in every aspect of their adversary’s success. From helping digital designers with advertisements, creating the labeling of “low fat” and “fat free” foods in grocery stores, to endorsing the world’s largest fast food chains, the healthy clan is constantly trying to popularize their enemy. Scientists have admitted that the junk foods possess significantly less intelligence than the healthy foods. Junk food psychologist, Randy Lipton, came to the conclusion that with the high levels of fats and sugars, and lack of vitamins and nutrients, these foods do not know the difference between life and death. Furthermore, one can assume that they are unknowingly suicidal, which in turn, leads to their desire of wanting to be eaten. This anomaly can explain why donut’s cover themselves with powdered sugar, french fries drown themselves in grease, and why twinkie’s fill themselves with creamy cornstarch.
In contrast with foods that do or don’t want to be eaten, there are the foods that don’t care. For instance, one can assume that after a corn on the cob is peeled apart, tortured in boiling water, then humiliated with butter and salt, that the corn kernels would be infuriated. Oddly enough, it does not phase them. Ultimately, the kernels know that they will arrive at the toilet unharmed within hours. The kernels’ immortality is envied by foods across the globe, but the kernels themselves do not care at all. Furthermore, peanuts fall into this category as well. After the whole peanut butter stunt, this snack developed depression and sequentially became unemotional. Until 1904, the banana’s held great power in the alliance with the healthy foods; however, this alliance came to an abrupt ending once word got out that the banana had teamed up with ice cream for the infamous “Banana Split”. This stunt was a complete embarrassment to the healthy foods, and it is said that these two groups still have not communicated since that day. The question of why the banana did this still puzzles modern historians, and deeper breakdown into the cognitive development of this food is examined further every day.
These foods have truly bamboozled us and we need to take a stand as a community. There are thousands of nutritional benefits to be reaped from the healthy foods and we cannot let them fool us with their shenanigans and malicious antics! At the rate we are moving now, economists predict that by 2040, our president could potentially be a giant snickers bar. Sociologists have even gone as far as saying that by 2052, humans could be bleeding corn syrup. Proper consumption is essential for longevity and an individual should research the nutritional facts, as oppose to playing into the deception of these cruel foods.